The NBA Playoffs are set!

The playoff seeds are set, and I am going to make my predictions:

First round Eastern Conference:
(1)Cleveland defeats (8)Detroit 4-1
Lebron takes a big dump on Detroit like if he ran an automobile company. Too soon?

(2)Boston defeats (7)Chicago 4-2
This series is a lot closer than the 4-2 total indicates as every game will come down to the closing moments. Garnett's injury will be fully felt. Don't try to fool us Doc, Garnett is a lot more banged up than you think.

(3)Orlando defeats (6)Philly 4-1
Dwight and a the rest of them reign down with a barrage of 3 pointers that stifles the bland Sixers.

(5)Miami defeats (4)Atlanta 4-3
In the Eastern conferences best opening round match-up, Wade takes out his frustration on Atlanta and Joe Johnson after losing the MVP award to Bron Bron.


Western Conference First Round:
(1)LA defeats (8)Utah 4-1
LA steals one in Utah and obviously beats Utah in LA. Kobe becomes unbearably annoying as writers continue to slurp at the end of his cock.

(2)Denver defeats (7)New Orleans 4-2
Chris Paul is one of the greatest players in the game today (rivaling Kobe, Lebron and Wade). It won't be enough as 'Melo finally gets out of the first round with the addition of Chauncey Billups. George Karl's Heartburn immediately improves.

(3)San Antonio defeats (6)Dallas 4-2
Tim Duncan is probably really pissed right now. I hope all this talk about Manu being the only way they could win makes him really pissed and we get the '02-'03 version of Duncan.

(5)Houston defeats (4)Portland 4-3
Brandon Roy hits a shot with 3 seconds left in game 7 that puts Portland up by one. Then Ron Artest gets fouled by Greg Oden with .4 seconds remaining and Tracy McGrady comes onto the court screaming "LIFE ISN'T FAIR!" Ron knocks him out and they finish up the game.


Eastern Conference Second Round

Cleveland defeats Miami 4-0
Dwayne Wade averages 38 points a game, but to little avail. Lebron averages a triple double and the Cavs come up with a new dance routine involving Boobie's head and Delonte's herpes.

Boston Defeats Orlando 4-3
KNOCK DOWN slugfest. God that sounded lame, but I am a slave to cliche. Garnett gets knocked out for the season when Dwight accidentally levels him with an elbow and his knee buckles (not sure how that works anatomically, but that's what will happen). Boston flies into a rage led by Paul Pierce and wins the series.


Western Conference Second Round

LA defeats Houston 4-2
Andrew Bynum has at least two dunks on Yao where he freaks out and everyone in the spectrum gets to their feet. Then Yao comes back down on the other end and drops a pretty 15 footer over him and his facial expression doesn't change at all. LA runs away with it when they come back to LA and Kobe scores 40 in game 6.

Denver defeats San Antonio 4-3
'Melo hits the game winner in game 7, and everyone in Baltimore actually feels good for a day. Then the next day they realize they still live in Baltimore and return to normalcy. It's officially the end of San Antonio's dominance where they win a title every other year.

Eastern Conference Finals
Cleveland defeats Boston 4-1
Paul Pierce drops 53 in game three in the new *&%#@&*%$# Garden, but Lebron averages 40 a game as he takes vengeance on them for last year. (editors update Kevin Garnett not playing was taken into consideration but only because I guessed the Knee injury was really serious before the linked story broke).


Western Conference Finals
LA defeats Denver 4-2
Kobe toys with Melo all series, and Chauncey keeps them in it with two big games at home, but Kobe effectively destroys 'Melo so any left over machismo from the San Antonio series is done. Pau Gasol still looks and acts like a whiny bitch.



NBA Finals
Cleveland defeats LA 4-3
David Stern ejaculates all over Lebron as he hands him the NBA Finals MVP. Kobe cries like Jordan except it's because he missed the game winner as time expired, and he will probably never win another title. Lebron had hit a pull up jumper to give Cleveland the lead with 7 seconds left. Phil Jackson looks on disgustedly because he wasn't smart enough to start coaching Lebron. I win money because I bet on Cleveland to win it all back in January when the odds were 10-1. I have some fun.